Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.