If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
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I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal