I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
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HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!