If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.