I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
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Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.