Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.