I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Not recommended for beginners.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.