Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox