“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I am crying
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Sorry not sorry.