Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
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Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?