Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Happy Caturday!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
FINE, I WON’T.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.