BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.