Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
That’s amazing.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.