“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
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4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
*limbos away from your hug*
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
This kid is going places
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.