I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
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Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Somebody’s lying.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.