Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
BRO LMFAO
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.