The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
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7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.