I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
🍞🦆
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Room with a view.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark