dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
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Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit