Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Called it
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I can also cook 😂
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.