Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
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If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.