Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Dammit Chief not again
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far