people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
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Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The Compass
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Extremely relatable.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black