Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
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I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies