My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
You Might Also Like
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Put a ring on it
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.