If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
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me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
We all have our pet causes.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.