WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Sniffing the broccoli
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
That’s easy for you to say
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane