“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
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My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Natty or not?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.