[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
You Might Also Like
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.