DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You Might Also Like
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?