Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Please do it!
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.