Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone