You Might Also Like
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what