I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.