When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
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Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺