These dogs look like they have good credit.
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Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.