*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
😅🤣😂
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
LOL!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.