Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.