I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
mom gave me mine for free
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”