Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
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Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
bears
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Mhm.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.