WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side