cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
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Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
my nickname in college
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.