My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
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Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people