So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
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me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.