Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.