*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
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The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I’m being attacked 😭
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”