*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here