Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.