I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming