Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
This hospital has everything
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.